Part Dos, The Rock Hard Snake (pun intended)

     Well, after mourning the loss of my best friend (she was for about five minutes anyways), I think I'm ready to move on. After a quick trip to the local Pokémart I will be on my way.

 

Seriously, fuck you Weedle. Fuck you with a rake. A rake that won't call back in the morning.

  The forest was how I remembered it, dark, and full of bugs. Vicious bugs (well all except for TROLOLOL) that only wish to maim and poison all you care about. Armed with thoughts of vengeance and fury I march my way forward.

News reports would later show footage of a small, frightened boy running towards the Pewter end of Viridian Forest screaming "Don't hurt me. Don't hurt me."

I'd say that was a rousing success. I stepped through the gate house into the drab gray concrete and stone buildings of Pewter City. This is where my first real challenge would lie, defeating the gym leader. This would surely take all of my mental and physical ability to overcome such a rigorous challenge. But first, it's time for some.......

EXTREME GRINDING

I don't have any music for this, but if I did it would be epic, just believe me. The cameras broke from the sheer amount of bad-assery going on.

About twenty (Slightly Distracted) minutes later.

Meh, close enough...

Alright, it's time. Today I will prove myself. Today, Brock goes down. Time to put on my big-boy pants and wipe that gym.

But first, whatever the hell this is. (Damn hippies.)

Whelp, here we go. Inside was rocky, to say the least. It looked like they just built the gym around some jutting rocks in the ground and then poured sand on top of it. There was a small boy in a boy scout outfit, just before the man I assume to be Brock, staring into space. Jesus Christ, What is this place! Did he lose or something? I walk up to him in an attempt to see if he needs medical attention when...

Well It's now obvious, Brock is a cult leader. He hypnotized the entire town into believing his moon-Clefairy theory. IT ALL MAKES SENSE!

He hunches over and picks a Poké ball, his one and only Poké ball, from his belt. With a lofty throw the small sphere busted open, revealing a small bolder with arms. I was stunned, to say the least, however the realization that this kid wanted a battle. So choosing the best choice for this battle I sent out the best, when... this happens

.DAYUM I love you girl!

As soon as Donna came out, so did a flurry of bubbles. I'm not sure what that Geodude was made of, but it reacted, violently I might add, with the bubbles. Several small explosions sent the Geodude flying across the room, where upon contact with the far wall it shattered. The boys second Pokémon didn't fare much better, as soon as the explodo-bubbles (Trademark of Dr. Swede as of right now, expect them on store shelves late this fall) made contact with the small, tan rodent was slammed into the ground, falling unconscious shortly after a few twitches. I was stunned, and judging by the look on his face, the kid was too. Speechlessly, I began to walk away, no need to make things awkward. However, as soon I turned around, I heard this gem. "I forgot light years is a measure of time, not distance!" The kid said, beaming in the glory of his realization. Stunned at his completely calm demeanor, I continued my walk towards Brock, kids today, huh? I continued down the path until I was face to face with the master himself.

Hey, you awake?

I wish I could say we had an epic showdown of epic proportions. But I believe these two camera shots sum everything up 

All Donna suffered was a few nicks on her shell due to both Pokémon getting lucky shots and smacking themselves against her. Brock's Pokémon, however, well just ask the big pile of rubble on the battle field. Without a word Brock handed over a small, brown chunk of metal in the shape of a rock and a CD in a plastic case labeled "Rock Tomb". I took these "gifts", despite my bewilderment and better judgement. In, what I can only guess to be, an attempt to break the awkwardness Brock nodded at me and pointed at the door. Not wanting to spend another moment here in crazy town, I followed his instructions. So that kids, Is where I will leave off, the story of how I beat a cultist.

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Part Uno. An Eventful Start.

Note from the good Dr.: I had forgotten to take screenshots during this part. I will be using stock images and will include actual tidbits of gameplay in my next post. P.S. this first post may be pretty long, I have a lot to cover here.

  My name is Victor, and it is my goal to become the official Kanto Pokémon league champion. Today I will begin my journey and no one will stand in my way. I stand where the paving ends and the unkempt grass begins, the borders of my hometown of Pallet. My heart is racing, my feet feel heavy as lead and I have to fight to lift one of them high enough to hover over the grass. I whisper to myself that it's now or never, and my foot begins it decent into adventure. When all of a sudden, the sharp voice of the possibly senile old professor breaks the tension.

"Don't go into the tall grass, it's dangerous!"

Next thing I know I'm on the ground, tackled by a geezer that shouldn't be able to sprint, much less throw me onto the hard pavement.

                                                    Crazy old man, or Ex-NFL star?


"I know!" He exclaims, rolling off of my possibly fractured back, "I'll give you a Pokémon of your own! For protection!" And just like that he grabbed my left arm, still bleeding from trying to catch myself and busting my elbow, and dragged me off to his lab. Inside was Derpa, his grandson,, standing impatiently by three Poké balls. He and his grandfather have a back and forward while I attempted to bandage my wounds. After I finished Oak grabbed my shoulder and told me to take first pick. I glanced at the pictures provided of the monsters in front of their balls, and one called to me. I knew this was meant to be, so I picked up the orange- sized contraption and threw it on the ground.

   This was the face of destiny, I know 'cause of the pixels and seeing a few destinies in my days.

   "Squirt-?" was all the little turtle said upon it's release and it looked up at me, as if looking for a command.

   "I'm going to call you Donna!" I said proudly, no one but me would ever know it was short and feminine for Donatello. Derpa picked the little green dinosaur with the plant on it's back and just stared at me as if he wanted to say something. Right as I turned and started walking towards the door I heard him shout a challenge. Well, challenge accepted Derpa.

 We stood across from each other, our little battle partners stepping in front of us.

   "Donna.... Uhmm... Tackle him.... A lot!" An awkward command that my little Squirtle responded to by running and headbutting the little dinosaur.

   "Bulbasaur tackle the shit outta that thing!" Derpa shouted to his dinosaur, and it headbutted my Donna back. They took turns hitting the others skull with their own, Bulbasaur stopping every once in a while to growl at Donna, only to get headbutted in return. A few minutes later, Bulbasaur lost consciousness and my Donna was declared the victor. We marched out confident into the field outside Pallet and beamed straight to Viridian City. I tried to buy Poké balls after getting Donna's head wound patched up, however the stoned teenage clerk just asked me to deliver a package to Oak.

   After the delievery of the small brown parcel, Derpa walked in and oak handed us five Poké balls (wouldn't these had been helpful, I dunno, earlier) and a small red PDA he called a "Pokédex", a incomplete "encyclopedia of all known Pokémon" (incomplete meaning the only entry was Squirtle) which he told us would update itself with each Pokémon we caught. Real helpful. The only use I found for it was checking Donna's level and moves, which I could have done at a Pokémon center.

  I re-enter route 1 and a small, overweight female Pidgey, or should I say, Pudgey, hopped in front of me. Donna bashed it against her forehead twice, and it was weak enough to catch. So I threw the ball and...

....No....

...It didn't.....

.... A FUCKIN' PIDGEY BROKE OUT OF THE DAMN POKé BALL!

A FAT ONE AT THAT! I threw the next ball in spite and I guess the Pidgey decided to stay in this time. I decided to name it Pudge (Real original, I know) And was on my way to Route 22. Before I had even entered the grass, a Female (I guess I'm a chick magnet *puts on shades*) Mankey jumped out at me looking for a fight. Pudge began tackling it while it scratched Pudge with some claws hidden in it's.... glove-paw... when Pudge hesitated. I threw my Poké ball when the Mankey stopped to catch a breath, and after some resistance in the ball it was captured. I decide to call her Ms. Mitts and head for the center before I take off for the forest.

Outside the forest another Pidgey decided to fight us. However he was no match for Donna and was quickly added to the team. A fourth female... This one is Pony I guess.... I can't think of what to call another Pidgey. Inside the forest I searched around for the rare Pikachu, when suddenly a rustle comes from the bushes nearby.


SON OF A BITCH! IT'S A KAKUNA! A FEMALE KAKUNA! I guess it can be useful as a beedril, so consider it caught. Trololo is a nice name for this and life right about now.

 A challenger runs up to me and shouts something about bugs. I reach towards my belt and feel the cold metal of Ms.Mitts ball, it's time to rape this kids dreams. He sends out a rather puny Weedle to fight my powerful Mankey, in other words, a poor choice. Ms. Mitts lunges out for a scratch, dodging and weaving as she runs like a drunken man to a bar on last call. The little Pig-nosed furball's claws makes contact with the Weedle's back, causing it to wince back in pain. Wincing right into my Mankey's arm. The barb on it's head breaks skin and a purple liquid oozes out of the wound. The Pokédex chips in the Ms.Mitts is poisoned, well no shit Sherlock, I coulda' told you that. I with draw my monkey friend and send out Donna to finish the job. I command Donna to avoid contact and attack from afar and She complies, launching Bubbles out of her mouth at her target. I guess the sting because the caterpillar stalled before launching itself like a missile at my Squirtle,  poisoning it too. Not wanting to risk anything I return Donna and send out Pony. Even though she managed to take out the little bastard...... She was poisoned too in the process. Damn my luck.

                           Now he has become douche, the poisoner of worlds.


Now.... this part hurts...... I can barley choke out the words here... Three Pokémon poisoned, no antidotes, only two potions. I had to make choices..... Only Donna and Ms.Mitts made it out okay. Pony was in my arms, letting out halfheartedly chirps, a wound in her chest seeping poison... I had to use to potions on Donna and Ms.Mitts..... Now I'm here at the Pokémon center. Pony never made it.... I'm receiving disapproving looks from Donna and Pudge won't even come near me, she looks scared. Ms.Mitts and Trololo are in their Pokéballs, safe. I'm going to quit now, I have a friend to bury and I need some rest.

                                                   Good night, sweet princess.